The few times I’ve tried to initiate sex he’s either apologetically shot me down or gone along with it, but I can tell he’s not into it. He says it’s because he’s distracted by all the work he has to do, but I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me or something I’m doing wrong. I’m just not sure how to fix it. I know it’s a normal thing in long-term relationships; everyone wants “the spark” back. But among my girlfriends in relationships, they’re all having sex like once a week at least. And I’m so jealous! I want to feel desired again, because I desire him! And I’m hoping to marry and have kids with this man, but that can’t be a good sign that our sex life is already unsatisfying! How do I approach this conversation with him without being a pathetic beggar?

A: This is — I’m assuming from your letter — the only sexual relationship in your life. And it’s not satisfying! And you think it’s small or pitiful to want it to be good?! I’m going to light a patio chair on fire!!!

If you are with someone long enough (and I mean like eight months), you are going to have meh sex with them. You will lose momentum or have surgery or lose a parent or have body image issues. There will be lulls. If there’s a long-term couple out there for whom this is not the case: DO NOT WRITE IN TO TELL ME.

I absolutely recommend having patience — love has a long arc — but I also caution against letting that turn into acceptance. There’s no hard rule about how much sex is “too little.” It’s subjective. What matters is that right now, you’re not satisfied. It isn’t frivolous or wanton to require that your sex life be good.

It’s smart of you to note that this is a pattern your relationship is falling into before the stress of children or the potential monotony of being with someone for 24 years. Unfortunately, patterns tend to repeat themselves. Couples tend to have the same problems again and again, so I think it’s likely that you two will not only deal with this now, but in the future, too.

Which means, it’s worth putting your chest waders on and wading into the bog.

Of course, you’re going to have to talk to him about this. And you’re going to have to really lay your sh*t out. It will feel like you have jumped into an ice-cold river with all your clothes on. It will not be fun. But it’s necessary!

I would say something like this, “Tony, I am feeling dissatisfied with our sex life at this point. The fact that we have sex so infrequently makes me feel like you do not desire me and it makes me feel distant from you. You make me feel loved in other ways, but I’m not feeling wanted or sexual, and you’re the only person I share sex with, so it’s important for me to tell you this. Why do you think we’ve had less sex recently and what can we do about it?”

Mention not just the problem (less sex) but how it’s making you feel (like something is wrong with you). That gives your partner better insight into the stakes of the situation.

As an outsider with only a quick peek into your life, I would also strongly suggest couples therapy. Sex brings up lots of emotions, insecurities, and needs that are often difficult to communicate to our partners. Our culture discourages people from talking about sex for the first 18 years of our lives, so most of us aren’t used to having these kinds of conversations. It can be helpful to have a professional as a guide.

Your desirability in no way correlates with your partner’s sex drive. At all. Your sexuality is innate and untouchable; it exists independent of your partner.

Also, it occurs to me that your boyfriend might be dealing with depression. It’s very common for depression to majorly reduce a person’s sex drive. While it’s absolutely normal for someone’s libido to wane, or for two people to disagree on how often they’d like to have sex, if he used to want sex and now has difficulty getting turned on, he might want to consult a therapist or his primary care doctor.

There is a chance that you two are just a couple where your libidos don’t match up right now. If — after you two have had thorough talks about your sexual needs and desires — that’s where this lands, focus on enjoying the sex you do have. Focus on making it feel full and hot. Explore sex-adjacent things you’re both into, like showering together or sexting. You both will have to make an effort here.

There is, unfortunately, some chance — albeit small — that the decrease in sex is related to a different issue he’s having with your relationship. If that’s the case, firstly, he should have been able to bring that up and talk about it. Withholding intimacy is not effective communication. But I think it’s worth being aware of the possibility that this could be connected to how he’s feeling about your life together. That doesn’t make this your fault. It does, however, make it important that you listen to him, and that you are both making a real effort to address this. If you feel like he doesn’t care to make things better for you both, that is a bad sign.

One thing that is extremely hard to actually internalize but that I want you to hear is this: Your desirability in no way correlates with your partner’s sex drive. At all. Your sexuality is innate and untouchable; it exists independent of your partner.

I’m not suggesting you step outside your relationship or anything (unless you’re both on board with ethical non-monogamy), but could wear hot lingerie, take nudes, buy a new solo sex toy, take a pole-dancing class with your friends, read or listen to erotica, make a collage from vintage Playgirl magazines, watch porn — anything that reminds you that your sex life is not dictated by your boyfriend and his appetites.

I also very much recommend the books Laid and Confused by Maria Yagoda and Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.

You aren’t alone. This is common and addressable. But it’s also thorny and painful. It will probably stir up insecurities for you both. On the other side, however, is knowing and loving each other better. And possibly more sex!

The holiday season can definitely be a trying time. But if you hop into bed, it will all melt away — at least for a little while. Sex during the holidays is a perfect way to get comfy and cozy, Dr. Megan Stubbs, sexologist and relationship expert, tells Bustle, and feel closer to your partner. And it’s also a way to break a sweat and work out a little (healthy, consensual) frustration, too.

If you’re visiting family and desperately need a break from the conversation, all you need to do is slip away to a spare bedroom, turn on the shower or a fan to drown out any errant bed creaks, and get to it. You could also sneak away and have sex in your car, if that seems safer. (Or, if you’re spending the holidays at home, just go for it as you usually would.)

So, if you’re looking for a way to combat stress this holiday season, here are seven sex positions to try — because an orgasm a day might just keep a meltdown at bay.

If you feel holiday stress creeping in, give these sex positions a try. Whether you choose one requires extra effort and focus, provides a great view, or lets you bliss out, they’re sure to keep your mind off things.

That feels like a lot. A few times a week, I can manage. Special occasions? Definitely. My boyfriend’s birthday? It’s on my calendar.

But did you know having sex every day can potentially save your relationship and bring you and your partner closer together? I asked Damona Hoffman, Certified Dating and Relationship Coach, and Online Dating Expert Julie Spira, about some unexpected ways having sex more frequently will bring you and your partner closer together.

1. It Will Boost Oxytocin

If you know anything about love, then you probably know about oxytocin — the hormone that’s released during sex and cuddling that bonds you with someone.

“Having sex causes your body to release oxytocin which increases feelings of bonding toward your partner,” says Hoffman. Spira also adds that oxytocin can also be found “when a couple holds hands, kisses, and even when they look at a photo of their partner.” So the more affectionate you and your guy are, both by having sex or through something as little as holding hands, the closer you will feel to one another.

“The sex you have with your partner will increase the desire to keep having sex in new and fun ways,” says Spira. “You’ll think more about pleasing your partner and your daily routine will include sexy texts, which I call digital foreplay, to get you aroused and excited about being together again.”

2. You’ll Feel Less Lonely

“Loneliness is the driver for most cheaters, according to a recent study by the infidelity website Illicit Encounters,” Hoffman explains. “If you feel seen and appreciated by your partner, you will be less likely to be driven to a site like this for attention and a sense of belonging.”

While your partner should stay faithful to you whether or not you’re having regular sex, having sex more frequently will help strengthen the bond between you two, so you and your partner aren’t tempted to bond with someone else.

“Sex is a bonding experience. While men feel love toward their partner while having sex, women who feel loved desire to have sex with their partner,” explains Spira. “As a result, the more sex you have with your partner, the more bonded you become. More sex means you’ll feel sexier, happier, and will smile more. Even the daily struggles of life are minimized when you’re having regular sex.”

If sex will make you feel less lonely and happier with your partner, why wouldn’t you want that for your relationship?

3. You’ll Feel More Trusting

Stressed out because you don’t trust your partner? Well, try having sex with them a little more often. Hoffman says, “Neurological studies show that physical touch actually can make you feel more trust in your relationship and reduce your overall stress level.”

According to Psychology Today, physical touch helps you feel more engaged with your partner and gives you a sense of “overall wellbeing,” which might lead to the increase of trust in your relationship.

4. You’ll Feel More Joy and Creativity

Sex makes you feel confident and happy. I don’t need an expert to tell me that. Who doesn’t like to orgasm or feel desired by the person that they like?

“When you’re sexually active with your partner, just hearing the sound of their customized text tone or looking at photos of the two of you will bring more joy to your relationship,” Spira says. “Having frequent sex means you’ll want to spend more time pleasing your partner, which means you’ll get more creative and try something new and sexy together.”

The more creative you are in the bedroom, the more fun you will have and the more playful your relationship will get, which is a dynamic you definitely want with your partner.

5. It Will Open Lines Of Communication

Having sex frequently will also increase the level of emotional intimacy in your relationship, because sex requires a certain amount of vulnerability and trust.

“Bonding sexually is the most intimate experience you can share with your partner. If your routine includes foreplay and after play, you’ll be able to open up emotionally and talk about anything together,” says Spira.

So it looks like if you’re searching for a way to feel closer to your partner, having sex more frequently — even every day — might be the way to do it.

Spira concludes, “I say look at sex as the joyous, sexy, and romantic buffet in your life. There’s nothing like a great morning of sex to keep you smiling the whole day through.”

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!

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